The Santorum Dictionary Of Idiotisms
A system by which the preferred monotheistic religion dictates laws and governing bodies, unless your body has not been deemed holy in which case your body is free-market fodder and will be drilled for oil. Bibleocracy is in no way restricted to the most restrictive terms of the namesake book, if the dictates therein make for huge inconveniences like banning a man from wearing mixed fiber garments (Leviticus 19:19) or restricting one from eating anything leavened (Exodus 12:20) or demanding we feed the hungry (Matthew 25:35) or love our neighbors (Matthew 22:37-40):, since, as we all know, the kindest neighbors sometimes harbor oil.
THE MICRO CLASS:
the fourth and lowest of the lower class. The phytoplankton of America. Enough said, as Romney, in his most sensible moment, has already pointed out.
GLOBAL WARMING DIVERSION COMMITTEE:
Created in response to the overwhelming (and spasmodic) concern for the environment, the committee is focused on the “science” of scientific studies. By 2014, the committee aims to reallocate environmental funds to what matters—and it isn’t trees. God gave us trees; he can give us more trees. He’s got clean oceans on stand-by, a double-decker ark loaded with second-coming species, architectural blueprints for erecting a civilization on the “Goldilocks Plant.” If anything, unloading our scourge on this earth will only reap us a prettier one. So let’s talk about gay marriage. Committee meets every full moon.
THE GAY-LESBO EFFECT:
The deficit, the melting ice, Iran’s nuclear enrichment, the global genocide,the bi-partisan politics, the mortgage boondoggle, the smear-campaigns and crappy caucus in Maine—there’s only one group to blame. If weren’t for two same-sexed peoples sexing it up with sexual intercourse and promiscuous sex in acrobatic ways entirely contradictory to the rules of Bible sex and procreation, we’d have diplomacy and cheap gas and peace cupcakes for all.
THE UTERINE COMMUNION:
A happy, free-speak forum by which all reproducing women can openly communicate about their prolapsed uteri and unrecognizable anatomy stretched like salt-water taffy. Since contraception is only a “license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be,” here’s a community dedicated to you selfless brood mares.
As the campaign trail prattles on, we expect many, many more thoughtful additions and look forward to sharing them with you.
Yours in family values and unprotected heterosexual sex,
The Santorum Campaign